log one ; never thought i’ll be where i am today

All my life I thought about studying abroad. For me it had always been obvious — one day I will go abroad to study in the united states. And yet every time I talked about it it just seemed far away and an barely reachable dream. Today I realized that I am exactly 18 days away from jumping on a plane and leaving to the other side of the planet.

Even when I had been accepted in the program I still refuse to believe it was really happening. I thought that I would not pass my year and would have to refuse my placement. I thought that I was going to be placed in a town where I wouldn’t feel at home, where I would be bored or frozen to death in the winter — I mean I did put Vermont in my top5 but I was willing to forgo the warm weather for the scenery. And in the end I ended up being placed at my first choice ; in one of the most competitive university in ISEP. In 18 days, I will be flying toward San Diego, California.

As I said before, I never really thought that I would one day be this close to living in the states for a year. I always dreamed about it, but after everything that had been going on in my life I never really thought that I would be capable. My sister and I were the first generation to go to college. She is two years older than me and chose med school. That set the expectations pretty high. Following in her footstep I thought I had to do the best and went for engineer school. Didn’t work out. At all. So I gave up. I thought I would never fulfill my dreams, I thought I was not cut out for college, that I would never succeed. I became depressed.

I felt that way for a long time. Thinking that depression would never leave. Until I started to pick up books. All in english because I really wanted to be able to speak fluently. Mainly YA because the contemporaries with the fluffy endings really help sometimes when you hate yourself. A lot of fantasy because otherworldly stories often make wonders at escaping reality. Sometimes just YA about protagonists with mental illness who felt the same way as me and who somehow managed to get better. These characters felt closer to me than most people I encounter daily. So I told myself that I should never give up. That I could start again, this time studying English Literature. Because that was what was so important to me.

And I did it. I passed each of my year with really decent grades. I managed to get a pretty great score at TOEFL and I got placed at my top1 university in California. For the past few years I may have been 3 years older that most of my classmates but I finally felt like I belonged. It did not really matter that I had spend so much time trying to figure it out because in the end I was back on track with my dreams.